What I have...and what I don't

John and Han on the way to John's basketball game. So cute!

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

So….I don’t have breast cancer. Yes, I know. You didn’t know it was a possibility. Or at least 99% of you who will read this didn’t know. About two weeks ago, on a Friday, I got a call from the imaging center where I’d done my mammogram two days before. They needed to schedule me for a second set of pictures and, maybe, an ultrasound. When I asked exactly what that meant, the voice on the phone said, “The radiologist sees something on your mammogram that he doesn’t like.” Oh, well…NOW I feel comforted. J So I scheduled the appointment for this past Tuesday, which was the first time they could get me in. I went in, had the second set of pictures done, was told the radiologist still saw something he didn’t like, and then had an ultrasound done. Finally, after a pretty scary hour of going back and forth with nurses and technicians, the ultrasound technician came and told me I as free to go. It turned out to be dense tissue instead of the mass the radiologist thought he was seeing. And so, with great joy and exultation, I went home, satisfied that this particular trial wasn’t going to be mine.

So why didn’t I tell anyone? Well, my first response was to have every single person I knew praying. But after some thought, I decided not to do that. First of all, most of the important people in my life had something going on in their own lives, with daughters and sons and fathers having all kinds of real problems, and they didn’t need one more thing to worry about. And if I wasn’t going to tell those people, then I really couldn’t tell anyone else, could I? My parents knew, but only because they asked a direct question that I could not avoid. (I can’t lie to my parents. It’s a rule. So I tried being evasive. They were having none of that.) But consideration for others going through hard circumstances wasn’t my only reason for not saying anything. In fact, it wasn’t even the biggest reason. Mostly, I wanted to test God. Not in the sense of testing to see if He loved me enough for it not to be cancer. I know many people who God loves very much who have been through various forms of cancer, some making it through and some having ultimate healing. So it wasn’t that. It was more about testing what God can do in my life in terms of my own attitudes and worries if I will just 100% surrender to Him. And it turns out, given the invitation to do so, God will take my worries and change my attitudes completely.

If you know me at all, you know that I can easily become worried and nervous about circumstances beyond my control. I can work myself—and everyone around me—into a pretty good tizzy given half a chance. And this was certainly something unexpected and completely out of my control. But I knew that I had to be calm. For one thing, there wasn’t anything to be “un-calm” about, yet. Only the possibility of it. And I was also faced with the daunting task of finding out on Friday and speaking Saturday night, Sunday morning and Sunday night in three different churches, one of which was my own. If I was going to stand up in front of people and talk about how big, good and faithful God is, then I had to be calm. And I also had to mean it. If I had an attitude asking why God would do something like this to me—and yes, I realize that’s faulty theology, but I think it’s a pretty natural first place to land—then I couldn’t stand in front of people and talk about His goodness. What is a worrier to do in this kind of circumstance?

Well, this worrier prayed. And to be honest, not over and over. Not every day. And not for it not to be cancer. Because if cancer is a road I’m going to have to travel, then it is what it is. No, I didn’t beg God or make deals with Him. Instead, I simply prayed that next morning for peace. If God is who He says He is, then peace in the midst of a storm is mine for the claiming as His child. And it wasn’t necessary for me to pray again and again for the same thing. I didn’t pray about it again until the day of the second appointment. You know why? Because I didn’t much think about it again. And I had the very real sense that God was there. He was with me when I got the call. He was with me when it crossed my mind. He was with me in the waiting room. He was with me when the technician looked at the images and frowned. He was with me as I waited for word from the ultrasound. And He was with me when I found out good news. He is with me wherever I go. And that means He is with me in whatever circumstances I face. My sorrow breaks His heart. My joy brings a smile to His face. I am His beloved. And I am never, never alone.

So what if the results had been different? Actually, that’s what I was prepared for. I only shed a couple of tears when they told me it wasn’t anything, and that was because I was so calm if it was something. J That doesn’t mean, of course, that I was anything short of absolutely thrilled to learn it was nothing. I wasn’t going in search of a fight, trust me. But I know for certain that if a fight was to be had, I would not fight alone. And that, my friends, is the peace that passes all understanding. Wherever you are in the world today, I pray that you are finding His peace in the midst of your own storm, and that you are about to have breakfast with 150 moms and daughters, too. Blessings to you and yours!

His,

Kellye