Why being a good girl is not enough

The view from the front of the apartment--from my sunroom. :)

The other side of my kitchen. That's the window I stand at to pray for my neighborhood--my tradition since I've been overseas.

The dining room from the terrace--lots of work to do in here still, but I think it's a really nice space.

But know this: God will not be tolerated. He instructs us to worship and fear Him. --Francis Chan, Crazy Love

I know, I know--no blogs for three weeks, then two in two days. What's that about? It probably has a great deal to do with the quiet in the apartment and a sick boy who has been inside for two days. He was better yesterday morning, then started running a tiny fever again last night. Hoping this morning he wakes up feeling all better. I ended up falling asleep on the couch while I tried to stay up for the World Series, only to awaken this morning and discover that the Cards had--literally--knocked it out of the ballpark. Sorry to all my Rangers friends--you seem like lovely people, but I grew up on Cardinals baseball right outside of St. Louis, so my loyalties are pretty clear. I'm also a huge Albert Pujols fan--both of his playing and his personal testimony. How can you not love him? Don't answer that, Texas friends. I'm betting he's not your fave right now.

I'm reading Crazy Love, by Francis Chan--a book I found when we unpacked boxes from Prague. Sarah Beth read it with a group of girls and two of her "aunts" here on the field, and she really seemed to enjoy it, so I picked it up. I've found it to be pretty challenging, not in terms of the reading level, but just the ideas he puts forward. I'm enjoying it. It's fitting nicely with my study of Romans, which will probably take me at least the next six months to complete. I like that, though...the long study of a specific book. Personally, it gives the words time to really write themselves on my heart, to get past the academic, analytical part of me and find their way into my life. I studied Acts for about 16 months, and I found it a really worthwhile endeavor. If you're interested in how I study a particular book, send me a message. I do it on my own--I don't have a study guide. Anyway, this morning I was working through a word study of chapters 1-5, and I came across what is, at least for me, one of the most profound statements in the Bible: But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8) That has long been a favorite verse--we used to sing a song in choir that was based on it, and I always loved the song. But as I read it this morning, I could not help but think my way through my own journey of faith and how I came to this point in my life. Because to a great extent, that verse, that realization that God loved me in spite of my sin, was a life-changer for me.

Maybe you are new to my life or to my story, and you don't know my background. Or maybe you are one of those folks who knew me way back when, but you haven't had any contact with me in a while. In either case, it's a story, I think, worth telling. Raised in a Christian home, I came to believe in Christ for myself at a young age. I did all the good Christian girl stuff. I went to a Christian college. I met and married a nice Christian boy. I became a nice Christian teacher. We had nice Christian babies. We lived a nice life--active in church, happy marriage, good kids. Oh, we hit the bumps in the road that lots of people do--bumps in our marriage, bumps in raising our kids. But we were content with our lives. We felt good about who we were. We lived lives that--from the outside--were totally given to our God, to each other, to our family. Who could quibble with that? Isn't that what God wants?

But we hit a BIG bump--not in our marriage, but in relationships that had become, for us at least, a kind of life raft. When we had problems, all we could think of was how blessed we were to have Christian friends to whom we could turn. (If this were a scary movie, here is where the ominous music would start playing.) Do you see the theological issue with that? It jumps off the screen at me--we turned to our friends, not to our God. But suddenly, through a series of events that are no longer important, we found ourselves pretty much alone. We couldn't fix our situation. Others watched and tried to help, but couldn't. It was terrible. Awful. I spent many hours on the floor, literally crying out to God. And that's when things took a turn in my life. That's when I became unsettled and less than okay with just being a nice Christian girl. Because in the midst of my rough seas, God showed Himself to me. Oh, not literally--because that would have really freaked me out. But He showed me who He is, and who I am in relation to His glory. And I can assure you of this--once you see that clearly, being a nice Christian girl is no longer enough.

You know what He didn't do? He didn't assure me that I was right and others were wrong or that they were right and I was wrong. It turns out, He wasn't really interested in what seemed like such an earth-shattering situation at all. What He showed me through His word and through a time--really the first in my life--of my just listening to and for Him was amazing. He didn't want me to be a good Christian girl. He wasn't amazed by my singing or by my teaching or by anything else I could do for Him. What He was interested in was my everything. Not a section of my life or my heart--everything. Every single bit of myself--He wanted it all. Not even just the nice parts, the parts I showed others. He wanted the parts that were bitter and angry and wanted revenge. And when I asked Him to, He took those parts and washed them clean. That awful situation? No longer important. How others viewed me? Not a big deal. Singing every Sunday? Not a make or break thing anymore. Being like other women on the field? Not my role. The God of Everything, Creator of the Universe, Master of my life--even before time began loved me with an irrational, overwhelming, persistent love. A love that would send His Son to the cross and see Him raised three days later...for me. Suddenly, all my efforts at being good seemed really flat and embarrassing. Good mother, good teacher, good wife, good daughter...not really so amazing, after all.

I sit at my kitchen table every morning with my Bible and journal, and I study and pray and write. And while those things are important, they aren't the amazing thing about my mornings. The amazing thing is that the God who created the universe chooses to meet me here. He comes and sits with me as I worship Him, praise Him, adore Him, implore Him. He sent His Son to die for me. When I really understood that, I couldn't get over it. I'll never get over it. Me. He loves me. Not what I can do. Not how well I can analyze a poem. Not how well I bake or clean or any of the other things I'm responsible for here. Nope. Just me. And that, my friends, impacts every single things about my life. How much I love Marc, what kind of mother I am, what kind of friend I am, what kind of Christian I am. It transformed my marriage from a good, solid marriage to the most incredible relationship in my life. Out of a full devotion to God comes a complete realization of His goodness to me, and having Marc is a big part of that goodness. He loved me enough to give me Marc. I cannot get over that kind of love. It is no longer sufficient to be a good Christian girl. My prayer is to have an unreasonable love for others that springs out of my love for God. I have been saved, not only from an eternity of separation from God, but to an incredible life here on earth with God. My joy and amazement and awe overwhelm me. Give Him my life? In the face of that kind of love, how could I do less?

So that's my story. God saved me from the life I had made for myself into the incredible life that He made for me. And yes, sometimes that life is hard and involves sacrifice. But the life He created me for and called me to is so full of absolute joy that anything else, an easier life--it's just not very appealing. So here's my challenge to you--what did God create you for and call you to do? Are you doing it? Have you ever asked Him? I promise that what He designed and planned just for you is so incredible, so full of joy and unreasonable contentment, that it's worth looking a little crazy to the world as you pursue it. Wherever you are in the world, I pray that you are pursuing more than mere Christianity, and that your husband is headed home to you, too. Blessings to you and yours!

His,
Kellye