Every season...

Han and SB in front of the Starbucks near the Hofburg here in Wien

John and Han at the Vienna airport, waiting to go to Greece

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore, we will not fear, though the earth should change and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; though the waters roar and foam, though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. Psalm 46:1-3

I'm pretty sure that no matter where you live in the world, no matter what you do, no matter if you are a believer or not--this is a universal blog today. Because, my friends, this is a blog about letting our kids go. And I don't care who you are, that is the hardest thing on earth to do. As I sit here, Sarah Beth is on her way to college for her junior year half a world away. That has been harder for me to deal with than I thought it would be. I'm not going to lie--I shed a few tears over it yesterday. Hannah is on her way to see her best friend--in another country. And John and I are headed out to buy jeans and shoes today, but it's John and Mom day, not John John and Mommy day. Wasn't it John John and Mommy day yesterday? Seriously?!?!

It seems like yesterday that I was the mother of three kids, and today I'm the mother of an adult, a teenager, and a preteen. Here's something stark for those who know me--the "baby" we lived in the quad with at FPO (and who lives around the corner from us here in Vienna) starts kindergarten next week. What?!? Seriously. More than any other year I can remember, so many of our friends' kids, our overseas nieces and nephews are being dropped off at college for their freshman year. It's hard. So hard. I can remember driving away from the parking lot at John Brown University two years ago, sobbing, looking back at my little girl who looked so tiny and alone. Impossible. How did I do that? (I did it because my sister, Kay, was driving. Otherwise, I'm sure there would have been an accident.) Other friends, particularly overseas, are watching their first (or second or third) grandbabies grow up across an ocean from them. I can't even imagine that. It can be done--and done well--but it takes real effort to grandparent from the other side of the ocean. And it's enough to make anybody homesick.

But it's the way of things, right? We raise our kids so they can be independent. We raise them to leave. From the first diaper on, we train them to leave our nest. Now--I'm not saying that an empty nest is something I'm dreading--Marc lives an adventurous life, and I'm looking forward to the opportunity to live some of the adventure with him, rather than "keep the home fires burning," which is a nice way to say I stay home and take care of the apartment and the kids. I like Marc, and we have more in common than just our kids, and so we're going to enjoy the chance to do life just the two of us. But don't think for a second that it isn't hard for me to realize how swiftly time is moving. I love being a mom--something I never thought I'd say in my pre-Marc days. I love even the hard stuff, the tears and the sorrows, because they are the chance to share their lives. I love that Sarah Beth is in love, I love preparing for voice lessons for Han, I love shopping for organizing stuff for John, who starts middle school next week--I love being their mom so much. And I want to protect them from all harm and make their lives easy and wonderful and free from hurts. But that isn't reality, is it? However, what a privilege to be entrusted by God with the hurts and sorrows, the joys and triumphs of these three incredible people. Even more than ever before, I'm trying to savor and enjoy this season of life, when I get to play an active role in their lives.

Sometimes, this life overseas is hard for me, because it's so different from my life in the States. In the States, I had a clear identity as a teacher. I loved my job, I loved my students, I loved my school...I loved my life there. It was fulfilling to me. My role overseas is much, much more traditional. (Not that being a teacher isn't a traditional role for women.) I am a housewife and full-time mother. Yes, I have some ministry things that are in the works, and yes, I work at making relationships and learning German so I can deepen those relationships. But the main focus of my energy (besides God, of course), is my family. Marc and the kids are my job here. And sometimes, that seems pretty basic. I clean a lot. I help with homework. I make lunches and cookies for bake sales and have parties for them. I take care of the finance report. Let's be honest--that's not as glamorous a life as living in Vienna probably sounds. But in this season of cleaning and cooking and just loving on my family, it is clear to me that this is what God has for me right now. One of my favorite verses in the Bible is from the end of I Timothy, where Paul says, "O Timothy, guard what has been entrusted to you..." Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly unglamorous or am tempted to be tired of the daily ins and outs of full-time motherhood and wifehood, I substitute my own name. O Kellye, guard what has been entrusted to you. For this season, this fleeting moment, these four tremendous people have been entrusted to me. And I'm praying that amidst the cooking and cleaning and laundry and helping with homework, God is finding me faithful to guard those with whom He has entrusted me.

Well, my friends, I need to run get Marc and Han out the door and on their way to Czech Republic. This is our last week before school starts, and there is so much to get done that I don't see how we're going to get it all done. But we will. Or we won't. :) School will start in either case. Just a word, by the way, about John Hooks. I talk less about him, I think, in this blog than Han and Sarah Beth. To be honest, he's a pretty easy kid in many, many ways, and he's also a boy, so there's a lot less drama. (Love you girls, but you know it's true.) We were super proud of him yesterday. We visited a new German-speaking church (we really liked it), and John Hooks got up and went to Sunday School on his own. When we came to get him, we found him playing games with a group of kids his own age and having a ball. We did not make him go. We left it up to him, because we've learned when to push about language and when not to push about language. But he went without hesitation to spend time with other church kids--in a language that he doesn't fully know. His fearless heart was a thing of beauty, and an encouragement to his parents. I love that kid! Wherever you are in the world, I pray that you are treasuring whatever season of life you happen to be in, and that you are able to find jeans for your swiftly-growing boy, too. Blessings to you and yours!

His,
Kellye

Waiting here for You

Tasha's new 'throne'--the more blankets you pile here, the better she likes it. I'm pretty sure I'm getting close to being a crazy cat lady. Oh, well.

Sometimes our prayers for deliverance from some particular strait are accompanied by faith to the extent we can foresee some predictable means of deliverance. But God is not dependent upon means that we can foresee. In fact, it seems from experience that God delights to surprise us by His ways of deliverance to remind us that our trust must be in Him and Him alone. --Jerry Bridges, Trusting God

I hate waiting. Maybe you are good at it. I am, most definitely, not. I hate everything about waiting. I like checklists and to-do lists, projects to complete, things to DO. Waiting is none of those things. Waiting is...well, it's just waiting. And I am definitely, without-a-doubt, no-question-about-it in a period of waiting in my life. It stinks. It really does.

What am I waiting for, you might be wondering? Direction. Answers. Solutions to problems that seem impossible to solve. An answer to the question, "So what do you DO in Vienna?" that isn't, "I cook meals and mop the floor a lot."  Waiting for all of that. Did I mention I hate waiting? :) I would love to teach. I have a teacher's heart and not a student in sight. Today is the first day of school in Clay County, Florida, where I have spent most of my teaching career. I would love nothing more than to be sitting in Middleburg, wide awake because I'm too excited to sleep, just like I've done pretty much every year for the last twenty. I would love to teach here. I can't. It's a visa issue that appears unsolvable. I would love to volunteer in an Austrian school. Unfortunately, I have no contacts and not enough German to just walk in and volunteer myself. (Come to think of it, I don't even know how to say 'volunteer' auf Deutsch.) For the first time in my life overseas, my years of teaching English do not seem to be particularly valuable. That could change, of course. I could make some contact in a school that would let me volunteer. I could learn the German word for 'volunteer.' (Yes, I will look it up when I'm done writing!) So hear me when I say that I don't think this is an unsolvable problem or that my lack of a use for twenty years of teaching experience is a permanent issue. I don't think that. But for this season, I am--for the first time in my adult life--not a teacher of anyone in any capacity. And that's hard. Really, really hard for me.

There are other things too personal to share here that I'm waiting for...answers that don't seem to be in the offing at the moment. Problems that just look like too much for me to see a logical solution to them. (Do you hear the music swelling? Because I'm about to resolve the minor chord, as it were.) But isn't that the tremendous thing about our God? He is not reliant on my logic. (Praise the LORD!) He is not reliant on anything but Himself. And...here's the hard part...He has a plan and a purpose even in the waiting. OUCH! I want things fixed. Yesterday. Quickly. I want answers and solutions and a way to see the sun shining amidst the clouds. But at this moment, for this season, that is not what He has for me or for us. What He has for us is Himself. What He has for us is learning to rely on Him and Him alone. In this season of waiting, when answers seem pretty few and far between, there is sweetness and comfort that His promises are true, that He does not waste anything in our lives, and best of all...that His plan is for our good and His glory. Amen and amen.

So what do I do while I wait? Learn German. Work at relationships. Love my kids and husband through a difficult time. And yes, right now, I make meals and mop the floor a lot. I live my life in the most obedient way I know how, I pray a lot, I read my Bible, I journal, I complete the couple of projects I have in front of me, I volunteer a bit at the kids' school...and I wait. I would like to say that I wait patiently, but I'm contractually obligated not to lie. :) But I do know from experience that on the other side of this season, I will likely be able to see some purpose in this. Maybe not the full plan, because in my experience, I rarely get a big picture glimpse of what God's doing--but maybe a brief glimpse of this tiny corner of the plan. But even if I don't get that--even if this season never makes a bit of sense to me or to us, even if we don't see a single good thing come out of it--I choose to trust Him. I learned a long time ago that His ways were not mine, nor were His thoughts my thoughts. You can rest comfortably in the knowledge that the King of the Universe does not need me to solve things for Him, nor does He consult me about the best way to operate. I trust Him, because I know Him. And I know that He is good beyond measure, that His love for me and mine (and you and yours!) reaches to the heavens, that His faithfulness stretches to the skies. I have, indeed, tasted and seen that the Lord is good. He is trustworthy. In a season when I don't know a lot, I know that for sure and for certain. He is trustworthy.

Wherever you are in the world, I pray that you are in a season full of easy answers and sunshiney days, and that you get to spend time with Hannah Jane Hooks today. Blessings to you and yours!

His,
Kellye

Love God. Love people.

After 22 years of marriage, I love him better than I did on that hot day in St. Charles, Mo, when I married him. That's saying something--because I really loved him a lot then!

To love God, love people--that's the center of the mark. --"Center of the Mark" by 4Him

That is a REALLY old song reference, but it's one I really love. There's truth there, I think. Keep the main thing the main thing, as a colleague likes to say. Love God. Love people. The other stuff works itself out. It's been an interesting thing to live across an ocean from the States and watch Facebook in this season of campaigns, politics, and heated debate about chicken. Oh, I know, I know...it's not really a debate about chicken, because nobody is denying that the chicken is delicious. (I was discussing this with some MKs who were staying with us this past week, and Hannah blurted out, "Why can't the delicious chicken unite us?" If these weren't my real teeth, I'd have dropped them on the floor from laughing so hard. She is a funny chickadee.) The debate, the reaction to opinions of a private citizen who simply responded to a question...it's puzzling to the rest of the world. One Russian friend called the U.S. a 'kindergarten country,' where people throw tantrums because others don't agree with them. OUCH. And I understand the issues surrounding the issue, I really do. I get the idea of a culture war, of traditions, of definitions that make one side comfortable and the other enraged. I get it. I really do.  And I'm not saying these aren't important issues. But they aren't the most important issue, right? 

I've been thinking about what God really wants from me a lot lately. Not from us as Christians, but from me, Kellye Michelle Hooks, individually and specifically. I've been studying, praying, reading my Bible even more than usual...and really, really listening. And I have to be honest with you--what I hear from God does not have a single thing to do with politics, sides, culture wars or any of the other things that eat our lives as American Christians. I have come to the conclusion that when I meet my Savior face to face, He is not going to chastise me for not talking enough about politics. He's not going to judge me over my lack of facebook posts about politics, political candidates, or whatever the day's hot-button issue might be. But I'm pretty sure I disappoint Him when I fail to love the folks He has graciously placed in my life. Whether that means Marc and the kids, my parents and extended family, my friends and colleagues, or the beggar who sits at our Ubahn station every day, I'm pretty sure that is where I am definitely not going to measure up in His eyes. And so lately, my daily prayer is for brokenness. A heart like His. COMPASSION like His. Do you know how many times in the Gospels it says that Jesus had compassion for the people? A bunch. You know why? Because He loves people. And I want to love people like He loves people.

Should we speak the truth in love? Absolutely. But here's the thing about that--when I'm doing that, I had better be on my knees beforehand about my own sins. Today's hot topic isn't something I personally struggle with, but I struggle with a negative, critical spirit. I struggle with weight issues because I eat emotionally (because evidently Jesus isn't enough comfort for me in hard times) and because I don't like to exercise (even though the Bible clearly says my body is His temple). I'm going to be brutally honest and vulnerable here--the more I know Jesus, the more I am convinced of the vastness of my sin. Mine. Not yours. Not that group that doesn't agree with me. Mine. Kellye's. And the more I understand the magnitude of my own sin, the more Jesus gives me compassion for others' struggles and a heart to love people. I do not naturally love people on my own. I can be mean and vitriolic and bitter when left to my own devices. But every morning without fail, the Savior of the whole world meets me at my desk and pursues my rotten heart. Every morning He grants me new mercies. He is faithful and true and full of lovingkindness to me and mine, and He enables me to love out of the overflow of His absolute goodness to me. I DO stand amazed in the presence of Jesus, the Nazarene, and wonder how He could love me, a sinner condemned, unclean. But oh--how marvelous is Jesus' love for me and for you and for the whole world.

Whatever your viewpoint--and I'm so thankful for friends and former colleagues and former students whose viewpoints differ greatly from mine, but who still love me--I want you to know that Jesus loves you. He died for you. I'm so thankful for the chance to love all kinds of different people. Whether you eat chicken on Wednesday or Friday or are a vegan and don't touch the stuff, Jesus loves you. He absolutely does. He told me so this morning. :) My challenge to all my friends is to get to know the real Jesus. His goodness, mercy, love and compassion are yours for the claiming. He died for you out of love, just like He died for me. And that, my friends, is good news no matter what you eat. Wherever you are in the world, I pray that you know the great love of the One who died for you, and that your husband is coming home from the Olympics for your birthday, too. Blessings to you and yours!

His,
Kellye