Too much to say

This may seem random, but I wanted my parents and sisters to see how cute this shirt they sent looks on Hannah. I cannot believe that "Baby Hannah" looks like this. Where has the time gone?

For whatever is born of God overcomes the world; and this is the victory that has overcome the world--our faith. Who is the one who overcomes the world, but he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God? I John 5:4-5

"It's not the elephants--it's the termites that get you." --note of mine from FPO

This is one of those mornings that I have so much to say that I don't think I can say it all coherently. Some mornings, I don't blog simply because there isn't time. Some mornings, I just don't have anything to say. Some mornings are like this one--how do I get it all down in black and white?

We are at a critical stage in our lives here. We have folks from our FPO who have already left the field. This is about the time that decision gets made--either we're going to stay, we're going to leave, or we're going to stay but be really unhappy, or we're here for good (or at least 'til the end of our term). I'm sure to those of you who have not lived in another country, these seem like cut and dried issues. We made a commitment, so we stay, unhappy or not. But the reality of life on the field (and maybe this is true if you're a missionary or a military person or a diplomat) is that it's just hard. Really hard. And we have been very transparent about that, both with you guys who read our blogs and with the folks here in Russia. This is a hard place, with hard people, a hard language, and we have had a hard transition in many ways. Part of our problem has been that there was no honeymoon period, where we just thought it was cool to be in a big city with lots of stuff to do and see. We never had that. Instead, our struggle to make a life here began nearly the moment we touched down in Moscow. Instead of easing into culture shock, we smacked up against it at the airport on our way into town.

And it seems like just when we think we have this mastered, we realize we don't. A perfect example is my language lesson yesterday. After working for hours on lots of homework, and then studying for a long time, I got nearly everything wrong. She had me studying something that even she admitted most Russians don't know or use. And then, when she told me something about one of the words in my exercise, something she'd never said to me before but expected me to know, I just had had enough. After saying, "How was I supposed to know that," I jumped up and ran out of the room in tears. In her defense, this is a very Russian way to teach...encouragement and praise are not high on the list of things to do. But I find it very frustrating to make mistakes as a way to learn something the first time. It goes against my very nature as a teacher. And while I realize it's a termite and not an elephant, yesterday it was more than I could take. The elephants that sit in our living room--financial worries, problems with our kids, how we navigate governmental issues--rarely bring me down. It's the termites that get me every time--how to order chicken the way I want it, what to call something, wanting to know more than I do about the language, wishing there were Special K bars here--these silly, seemingly meaningless little things are what make me face my own inability to do this on my own.

Ah, but there's the rub! It's those things that bring me again and again and again to the feet of the Father. It's the little nuances of relationships that make me know I cannot navigate these waters alone. It doesn't matter how smart I am, how many degrees I have, or what anybody thinks of me. I am incapable of living this life without total dependence on the One who brought me here. And while that drives me crazy as a loon some days, it's also something I'm learning to settle into day by day.

We're not considering leaving, so that's not what you should take away from this blog. But we are fully aware of how difficult life here is, and we are fully aware of the blessings of life here. And we're more than fully aware that He who called us here is completely faithful. He does not call those He does not equip. We have what we need to stay.

Well, that's not all I had to say this morning, but I need to study a few minutes before my lesson starts. One a more "up" note, we have begun a weekly Phase 10 tournament this summer with our friends, Ed and Teri, and their daughters, Rachel and Rebecca. We had a ball last night, though we did not get home until nearly midnight. It's good to do something with people you not only love and respect, but whose company you really, really enjoy. Ed and Teri are those people for us, and we are really thankful for them. Wherever you are in the world, I pray that you are seeking God through whatever critical time you are going through, and that you do not burst into tears when you make a mistake on your language homework. Blessings to you and yours!

His,
Kellye