Saying yes to whatever He has

Sarah Beth and the boys at graduation. She loves these guys...and so do we!
Sarah Beth and the girls--Amanda and Tina. Great friends who have made this a great year.
Hannah and her friend, Amielle. These two love each other so much!
Me and my Rebecca at graduation. Beck was the valedictorian...we are all so proud of her and ALL the graduates at HCA.

My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I shall not be shaken. On God my salvation and my glory rest; the rock of my strength, my refuge is in God. Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us. Psalm 62:5-8

I don't know what it's like where you are, but it is a gorgeous morning in Moscow. Sunshine, blue skies...the sound of dump trucks below my kitchen window...it's all filling my soul with happiness. Okay, maybe not the dump trucks, but the rest is definitely good. It's been quite a week. Finals all week, awards and graduation on Friday, a farewell picnic and talent show on Saturday...it makes me tired to even write about it! But it was a great week, and now we are focused on getting ourselves ready for our move to Prague at the end of this month. In there, we also have a week in Greece, so we really only have three weeks to get ourselves ready. This morning, that doesn't feel like a lot of time.

If you pay attention to what is going on in Southern Baptist life at all, you are aware that the IMB has drastically cut appointments for the rest of this year and next year. Unfortunately, that means a lot of uncertainty has just entered our lives. How will this impact us? What will our next step look like, if we aren't appointed? Where do we go from here? It's enough to keep a worrier like me up at night, but I'm sleeping pretty well. You know why? Because God knew. He knew this was going to happen. He knows the next step. He knows what our year in Prague will be like. He knows the ups and downs, the uncertainties and certainties that we are facing. And He has it all under control. That doesn't mean we aren't thinking about it and wondering what the future holds. But it does mean that we aren't worrying about it. He'll make our path clear, and whatever it is, He'll provide for us what we have to have to take the next step. We love our life in Europe, but if the States is where He wants us next, then we'll happily go there. We aren't shaken, because He is unshakeable. So we pack, and we sell, and we pray that He will find us faithful no matter where He sends us next.

Well, speaking of packing--I must get moving in that direction. Wherever you are in the world, I pray that you are standing firm in the One who holds the world in His mighty right hand, and that you are looking forward to dinner with the girls tomorrow night, too. Blessings to you and yours!

His,

Kellye

Sunday morning is not the main event

Marc and Alan in Omsk, Siberia, Russia. I have no idea what they are standing in front of, but I thought it was a good pic of both of them.
The daring duo somewhere in Siberia. They had a great time together--it was a real blessing to have Alan here for a while.

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. Psalm 42:1

A hunger for the inner life seems unproductive in a mega-church world. It does not seem to bring souls to the altar or provide a framework on which we may hang the ambitious programs of the church or denomination. Some may actually be suspicious of a oneness with Christ so absorbing that people might fail to keep the congregational machinery whirring. Machines do not make a kingdom. A king does. At the center of true Christianity lies communion with the King. This communion, whatever we call it, is simply prayer. But it is fervent, ardent prayer. It is passion of desire. It is the thirst of a deer panting after water. A Hunger for the Holy, Calvin Miller.

Many of you know that our pastor, Alan Floyd, was here for the last ten days or so. He and Marc went on a trip to Siberia, touring a city a day and working on Engage Russia. We really enjoyed our time with Alan, and I think he had a good time, too. It was certainly wonderful to have a little piece of home here, even if it was just a few days! We told stories and laughed, and he and Marc had a great time on the train, traveling around to see what God is up to in Siberia.

Of course, whenever someone comes to visit from the States, I always wonder--can they tell how much I've changed? Do I seem like the same old Kellye to them? Because I know that inside, I am a completely different person, but I don't know how much that shows outwardly. I am definitely a work in progress, but I almost don't recognize myself from the person who left the States a couple of years ago. And one way I have definitely changed is in how I view church.

I hate to say this, but I was one of those people who went to church to get something. I tried never to participate in the pastor-bashing that sometimes happens after a particularly hard-hitting (or not?) sermon--not difficult to avoid, because Alan is a great, great preacher. But the discussion often centered around what I "got" out of church that day. And I know A LOT of people like that, people for whom Sunday morning is about getting their weekly fix of God stuff, and then they can go out to lunch and feel okay about themselves for another week. Now, admittedly, as time went on and I matured as a believer, I was less concerned with that and more concerned with giving, but I still saw Sunday as the "main event." That has definitely changed here. Definitely.

The "main event" spiritually happens every morning at the kitchen table, where I spend time in reading God's word (reading Leviticus right now, and I know way more about how to sacrifice a bull than I ever thought I would), time in studying God's word, and time in prayer. It is here that I commune with God. It is here that I spend time listening, something I rarely did in the States. If church is meaningful on Sunday, that's great, but my spiritual tank is full before I get there. If church isn't particularly meaningful, it's not the end of the universe, because I have already talked to the One I worship. And what I'm finding is that my attitudes about life, about service, about motherhood, about being a wife...these all flow out of that daily time I spend with the Lord. Of course, I hope these line up with my church and my denomination--I do, after all, work for a denominational agency--but the guidance for life is not found in church, in a person, in a denomination. The guidance for life is found only in the One who created life, and He can be found by opening the Book and spending time with Him.

Well, I'd better run and make breakfast--Marc and John are on their way home from a Scout campout, and they sound mighty hungry. Please pray for my kids this week--it is finals week, with all the pressure that entails. We are so grateful that Daddy is home for this important week--he just makes things so much better. Wherever you are in the world, I pray that you love your church, but love the One who created it more, and that you are ready for finals week, too. Blessings to you and yours!

His,

Kellye

Legacy

Han and John...I love this picture. For once, they are not yelling at each other. Our kids are growing up quickly--too quickly for Momma.

Sarah Beth and Drew, her good friend and fellow emcee at Senior Banquet. This picture kind of typifies their relationship. They're so goofy together.
Sarah Beth and her friends Rachel and Marcus at Senior Banquet. It was a really great night.

Sarah Beth and her "Becker"--Rebecca--at Senior Banquet. Are they gorgeous, or what?!

I will sing of the lovingkindness of the LORD forever; to all generations I will make known Your faithfulness with my mouth. Psalm 89:1

It is a gray, yucky morning here in Moscow, rainy and cold and just gross. No big deal to me--I have no plans for today except to pack and clean my refrigerator--but poor Marc has a cub scout campout with John today. Yuck! Pray that the weather lightens up a bit before they head out to the American Embassy's dacha.

I have to admit to you that I'm feeling a little melancholy this morning. Today is my cousin Morgan's wedding, and I am not there. When Morgan was born, I announced to my kindergarten class that I had a baby brother. I'm sure the teacher was amazed, since she saw my mother every day and there were not signs of a brother on the way. Smile. I have loved Morgan with a passion his whole life, and not to be there on his big day...well, it's hard. It's not the end of the world, and his day will be wonderful, but I wish I could be there. It's just how it goes when you live overseas. There are definitely things you miss. So I am up this morning early (when am I NOT up early?), and I'm thinking over the thousands of memories Morgan and I have together. And I'm smiling, because tied up with those memories is the memory of my grandmother, or as we all called her, Mimsey, and my grandfather, Papa. Mimsey and Papa have been gone for fifteen years, but I still miss them, still think about them often, still praise God for the legacy of their lives. My love of teaching comes from Papa. His love for every student was legendary, and when he passed away, his funeral was populated by those students on whose lives he'd left such an indelible mark. One of my favorite stories about Papa is that I called him when I got my very first teaching job. By then, he was into his nineties. He said, "Now are you teaching math?" (He'd taught high school math, been a principal and superintendent, and then gone back into the math classroom.) "No," I replied. "I'm teaching English." "Well, somebody has to do that, I guess." HA!!!! He made me laugh so much, and he had thousands of stories about being a teacher.

But it is my Mimsey who is holding my thoughts this morning. She loved being a mother and a grandmother and a great grandmother. She was gentle and kind. Whenever I do something particularly nice or giving, Marc will say something about making Mimsey proud or making Mimsey smile. She was just a truly remarkable woman. Maybe she wasn't remarkable in any way that the world counts, but she stored up for herself those treasures that mattered, things that moth and rust cannot destroy and thieves cannot steal. She raised a family of kind people, people who have spent their whole lives giving to others. She was devoted to her church. She passed on to us a legacy of a quiet faith, a faith that does not boast, does not shout out its accomplishments to the world, but a faith that has hands and feet, a faith that ministers to those around it. If Mimsey were here, she would be pleased with my life. I imagine she would be pretty stunned by the thought of a grandchild living in Russia--my goodness! she would say--but she would think that the life I'm living, while maybe not important in the eyes of the world, is a life focused on the things that mattered. And she would be particularly pleased that none of my children are named after her--she made me promise when I was pregnant with Sarah Beth that I would never give her name (Agnes) to a child. They just didn't deserve that kind of punishment, she said. I'm smiling just thinking about it.

And so, even though I am missing the wedding today, I am still smiling and being thankful for the legacy of faith that has been passed down to me. I am grateful that I have that legacy from both sides of my family, that I spent every summer in Tennessee, witnessing firsthand that faith in God and devotion to family were the most important things in life, that my own parents instilled in me the things that really mattered, that I've been allowed the opportunity to pass these things on to my own children. Wherever you are in the world, I pray that you are thankful for the people who have shown you God's hands and feet throughout your life, and that you are enjoying a second cup of coffee on a cold, rainy morning. Blessings to you and yours!

His,

Kellye

Cutting through the fog

The heart of Engage Russia--Tim Wicker and Marc. This was Tim's last day in Moscow before joining his family in the States. I cannot describe to you how much we miss them, or how thankful we are for the time we had together. Love this family!
John and Han with their Easter chickens. Mimi sent them, and the kids enjoyed them--especially John, whose chicken appears to be laying an egg.

"'And the work of righteousness shall be peace, and the effect of righteousness quietness and assurance forever.' 'In quietness and in confidence shall be your strength.' I think the devil has made it his business to monopolize on three elements: noise, hurry, crowds. If he can keep us hearing radios, gossip, conversation, or even sermons, he is happy. But he will not allow quietness. For he believes Isaiah where we do not. Satan is quite aware of the power of silence. The voice of God, though persistent, is soft..." from Jim Elliot's journal in Shadow of the Almighty, by Elisabeth Elliot

It is a beautiful, sunny morning here in Moscow, and I am thoroughly enjoying my second cup of coffee. (I have cut back to only one cup except on Saturdays.) The house is full, but quiet. We have two extra girls for Hannah's sleepover/birthday party, and two of our nieces came over last night and we decided collectively that it was too late for them to go home alone, so they spent the night, too. And Marc is home, so we really are full to the brim this morning. Everyone else is still asleep, but I have been up for a couple of hours now, enjoying some peace and quiet and coffee and sunshine. We are headed into that part of the year in this part of the globe where daylight is optimal--by mid-June, we will be in the white nights, when the sun doesn't ever really set. It's strange, for sure, but after a winter of only a little bit of daylight each day (and even that usually pretty gray), the sunshine is a huge blessing.

To be perfectly honest, it's been a pretty tough week for me. The kids and I returned to Moscow on Sunday. As soon as we stepped foot in the airport, the locusts began gnawing away at me. My worst fear was that no one would show up to pick us up, and that I would have to negotiate my way home on my own. So guess what happened? That's right--through a mixup at the office, no one showed up to pick us up, and I had to negotiate a way home for us. In all honesty, I wouldn't know how to do that in New York City, either, but to face having to negotiate in Russian while my three exhausted children waited with the luggage...well, it seemed monumental to me at the moment. Fortunately, I spent the flight kind of practicing what I would need to say to get a taxi (and practicing my numbers...I can't tell you how much trouble I have understanding numbers in Russian), so I was pretty prepared. We waited an hour for someone to come, and then I marched over to the taxi "area," and I ran through what I had practiced. And you know what? I negotiated a pretty good price and got us home. Thank heavens the driver didn't want to chitchat, because I had pretty much used up my whole brain by the time we made it to the car. So that was how my week started.

Of course, it's always difficult when Marc's away. I do have to say that I think that part of my life will be easier in Prague, simply because Prague isn't as big as Moscow, and things are closer. Part of what's hard here is just getting the kids back and forth to school--it takes anywhere between 45 minutes to an hour, and by the time I get home and have carried 10-20 pounds of groceries...well, I'm pretty exhausted. Thankfully, my wonderful Frances helped this week by taking me to the store in her car on Monday, so I had some basics here at the house and didn't have to carry as much. My AP students took their exam on Thursday morning, and even that kind of wore me out--just getting up early to get to school and feed them breakfast before they took the exam seemed huge to me. But it went well, and I'm sure they all did fine. They are wonderful, smart kids, huge blessings to me every single day I get to spend with them.

But the really hard thing about this week was the fog. Not the fog outside, but the fog inside my head. Have you ever experienced that? I don't know how to put it, exactly, except to say that no matter what I was doing this week, I felt like I was trying to cut through the fog in order to do it. I've tried to pinpoint the source, and I think it has to do with the trip to Prague. I had a great time, and I thoroughly enjoyed the time with our friends, and I am glad that Marc had the opportunity to get so much work done with the media team. I think it was a really important time for him to sit with his new team all in the same room. But it also hit me for the first time that I am going to leave Russia. Really leave Russia. Not just for a trip somewhere else. I am going to pack up my family and leave Russia. I can even tell you when it hit me. Larry and Melissa and Marc and I went up to Prague Castle on our way to dinner one night, and there is this beautiful over-hang, where you can look out and see all of Prague twinkling below you. I can't describe to you how absolutely gorgeous Prague is. Beautiful old homes, cobblestone streets--Prague looks like 18th century Europe, because very little about it has changed over the years. Larry and Marc were doing something away from us (you never know what the two of them are doing), and I looked at Melissa, this person I love and adore so much, to whom I have bared my soul, to whom I am committed like I'm committed to my family...and I had an epiphany. I love Prague. Prague is where God has called us for a season. But I am not called to Czechs. I am called to Russians. My ear had spent the entire trip listening to hear anyone who might be speaking Russian. I had looked on every tram and metro train to see if anyone might be Russian. I had brought every conversation back to Russia. My heart is in Russia.

So why are we moving to Prague? Because it is what God has for us right now. But I am starting to understand the feelings of other missionaries who have left Moscow to move back to the States, who have struggled with the feeling of longing for a place that isn't home, but is. And I don't think it's just about Frances and Kris and other friends here, though I am certainly not looking forward to saying goodbye to them. I think it's about something that God has done/is doing in my heart, often without me even being aware. He has burdened my heart in a way that I cannot exactly describe to you, in a way that will not make sense unless you have experienced it. When I was in Florida, I described it as being homesick for a place you've never seen. Well, now I've seen it, and though I have not always loved it, there is still a deep longing in my soul for Russia.

I feel like I've rambled here, like I haven't done a good job of expressing what is in my soul. I will tell you this--there is contentment and joy to be found in obedience to what God has for us, even when it might not make sense or even be what we want. I didn't really want to leave Florida. But I knew without a doubt that God had called me to a different place and a different life. And though life here has often been difficult, it has also been full of unimaginable joy and laughter and blessings. Even when His thoughts don't make sense to me, when His plan isn't my plan, I can unequivocally say--He is good all the time. He is trustworthy and faithful. Wherever you are in the world, I pray that even when your circumstances don't match your desires, you will continue to be obedient to the One who loves you more than His own life, and that your husband brought you bagels from Prague last night, too. Blessings to you and yours!

His,
Kellye

Stinkin' locusts

John John (or Jupie, as he's now known) and Laini. I am grateful that he has someone like Laini, who loves every single thing about him. We should all be so blessed as to have that kind of friendship when we're 8.
Sarah Beth getting in some Lucas time at Jack's birthday party yesterday. Lucas is very patient, and doesn't seem to mind snuggling in with whichever Hooks wants to hold him at the moment.

Lucas and Uncle Marc at Jack's birthday party. Yep--as soon as Lucas snuggled in, Uncle Marc fell asleep. Take into consideration that there were several of the 3-and-under set there. It wasn't quiet. They must have been pretty tired to sleep through that.

"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten..." Joel 2:25a

The kids and I leave this morning to return to Moscow, new temporary visas in hand, and without Marc, whose documents appear to be in Paris. This is not, of course, what we had planned. I would rather do almost anything than go back without him. But it is par for the course of how things often go in the Motherland--almost never like we planned. And so, I am facing more time without him. We do not know when he'll be able to get a flight into Moscow, but it may be as long as the end of the week. Then he leaves next week for Siberia with a friend. So I could sit this morning and boo hoo about how hard my life is, or I could choose to be grateful for the many ways in which God has repaid me for the years the locusts have eaten.

I don't know what kind of locusts have chewed up the fields of your life in the past, but my personal locusts tended to be the lies I believed about myself for many years, lies I still struggle with today. There is the lie about not being very likable. There is the lie about not deserving to be successful. There is the lie that if people knew me better, they would want nothing to do with me. And I'm here to tell you--those locusts cost me many years of harvest. I was trying my hardest to do the things I knew I should, but I just couldn't seem to get anywhere. And so I adopted a persona of not caring and not needing people in my life...all while the locusts chewed away at the years.

And so, as I sit here this morning, when the chirp of locusts can dimly be heard in the distance (these are the "I'm not capable of handling things" locusts--the ones who have sometimes wreaked havoc with me since coming to Russia), I choose to focus on the ways God has abundantly and fully repaid me for those years the locusts ate.

• tremendous relationships with others on the field, both here in Prague and in Moscow
• a chance to see places I never dreamed I would see
• friends for my kids
• unbelievably important "aunts" and "uncles" on the field, people who have poured themselves into my children
• "nieces" and "nephews" who are such a joy to me, and often the very best part of being a missionary
• hard times...I knew God well in Florida, but I assure you that I know Him much better now that I have had to depend on Him for EVERYTHING...especially true in difficulty
• students I love and adore

As I sat at Johann and Stacy's yesterday for Jack's birthday party (2!! He was 3 months old when we met them at FPO!), it occurred to me that I have much to be thankful for during this season of my life. People I love who love me intensely, friends who are like family, family who are friends...the list goes on and on and on. So while I would rather not head back to Moscow without Marc, I am aware that in Moscow are people who love us and will help if something goes wrong. There are people there who miss us and who we miss. There is joy to be found there, just like there is joy to be found here in Prague. I have learned a great deal over the last two years about the importance of choices, and today I choose to look forward to being home in Moscow for the next two months.

Well, the bags are packed and all that remains is to get everyone going, showered and fed. (Yes, that was a little "Leaving on a jet plane" reference.) Wherever you are in the world, I challenge you to choose joy today, regardless of your circumstances, and I hope that you have been brushing up your Russian for the day at the airport, too. Blessings to you and yours!

His,

Kellye