My little man
The best way to deal with sin has never been to attempt reform but to adore the Savior. We win over our lower nature through adoration. While we worship the enthroned, inner Christ, we cannot be controlled by our negative preoccupation with sin. --Calvin Miller
I know! Two posts in one week after a month-long silence--weird! But something happened last night that I wanted to share. Nothing earth-shattering. Just a reminder of how God works in our lives.
Let me start by saying that I am overly tired. I am homeschooling my three kids, teaching a class at the local Christian school, teaching ESL to Russian-speaking preschoolers, and starting a Sunday School class at my church. On top of that, I am working through a Bible study with friends, trying to keep up with housework, cooking, and a husband who travels a lot, and when he's not traveling is perpetually on deadline. I am hoping to be done with the class at the local school in a couple of weeks, since that is not something I am committed to in terms of ministry here--I am just filling in for a teacher who hasn't come, yet. One of the things I am learning to do is say 'no' to things that are good, but not the best that God has for me. It's hard, though--I want to help. I want to make things better for others. But my family is definitely suffering as I try to do too much, and teaching the extra class is definitely the thing that has to go. Marc and Sarah Beth have also been gone for about 10 days, and they don't return until Sunday night, so that adds to the stress of my life at the moment. So--I'm tired.
By the time I got home last night with Hannah and John (we teach preschool ESL at our church on Tuesday afternoons), I was really worn out. When Marc is out of town on Tuesdays, I don't even attempt to cook after we get home, so I take the kids to McDonald's. And then, because we were there, and when you carry your groceries you are ALWAYS picking things up, we went by Tesco, which is as close to a Wal-mart as we're going to find here. Add 15 minutes standing up on the crowded tram, and it was a recipe for a grumpy Mom. And I was definitely feeling grumpy. When we got home, I had to grade tests, read an assignment, and type out assignments for the extra class I'm teaching, and so I basically ignored my children while they occupied themselves. I didn't finish doing those things until around 10:30 (see why the class has to go?), and then I realized I was late getting them to bed. Hannah is never a problem to get to bed, but John is ALWAYS difficult to get to sleep. We never have a night where he doesn't come out with "just one question" or some other excuse to get up. He just hates going to sleep. By 10:45, when I was still asking him repeatedly to get his teeth brushed, I was annoyed. By 11:00, when he yelled from his room that the music was making a funny noise, I was beyond annoyed. When I went in to turn it off, I pulled the covers around him and sighed as I walked out of the room. He said, "Mommy, are you okay?" And without thinking, I replied, "Yes, I'm okay, John. It's just that you're so difficult, and I would love to have just one night where you were easy to deal with." As I closed the bathroom door, I heard his little voice say, "But you love me that way, right Mom? You still love me that way?" Ouch.
Of course, I ran in to kiss him and assure him that I love him any way he is, that even when I am tired and grumpy, I love him just the way he is. He smiled, turned over, and pretty quickly went to sleep. But I was up for a while. I was upset with myself for being so careless with my words. It reminded me, too, of the many times I am confronted with my own sin, and in my own little voice I say to God, "But you still love me, right? You love me even when I'm like that?" He always does the Godly equivalent of pulling the blankets around me and covering me with kisses, just like I did with John. And it reminded me, too, that while I am looking at the twig in someone else's eye, I might want to examine the log in my own. I'm not exactly low-maintenance myself. I might want to calm down on the "you're so difficult" talk, since I'm pretty sure my husband and children (and maybe anyone else who knows me) could say exactly the same to me.
I don't have any grand conclusion to draw for you from this incident, except that I am grateful for a Father who loves me in all my high-maintenance, type-A personality, difficult-to-deal-with glory, and I'm thankful for the chance to wake up on a new day and try again to be the mother God created me to be, and not the stinky, careless Mom I can sometimes be without thinking. Wherever you are in the world, I pray that you are waking up to try again to be all God created you to be, and that you are only a few days away from your husband coming home from Russia. Blessings to you and yours!
His,
Kellye
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