God, my feet, and Russia

I will rejoice and be glad in Your lovingkindness, because You have seen my affliction; You have known the troubles of my soul, and You have not given me over into the hand of the enemy; You have set my feet in a large place. Psalm 31:7-8

It is 4:30 p.m. here in Moscow, and I am enjoying a fairly quiet afternoon (except for the constant noise of construction outside). Marc is off on an adventure to find reliable internet (again), the kids are playing somewhere in the apartment, and I am snuggled up with the quilt our church gave us and my computer. All in all, not a bad way to spend an afternoon.

I loved these verses when I read them this morning. I love how God’s word works in my life. On dark days here, I have taken great comfort that the God of Everything has seen my affliction, has known the troubles of my soul, but has not given me over to the hand of the enemy. And c’mon—“You have set my feet in a large place” is just funny. Get it? Russia? Biggest country on earth? That’s a pretty large place!

The two little kids and I (that’s what I call John and Han) went on an expedition this morning to find the schools they may possibly attend. We have to find something for them. Locked up in this apartment all day, we are going crazy. It is bad to be isolated. Very, very, very bad to be isolated. So we’re looking to find a place they can be for at least part of the day. We had a lovely time, easily finding the two schools (John will have to attend a dietsky sod—kindergarten—because public school doesn’t begin until age 7). We also found playgrounds near us that we can play on, and we had a lovely time just walking around. True, it was cold and misty and—you guessed it—gray, but the leaves had fallen where we were walking, and it was really beautiful. John remarked that he’d never walked on a yellow ground before. It was just fun. We laughed—throw your head back and cackle kind of laughing. I even engaged two babushki—grandmothers—in conversation…in Russian! (I wanted to remark on how cute their dogs were, but could only come up with “mishka,” the word for bear.) All in all, it was a good start to our day. I had a decent lesson, and felt at the end like I am progressing, though Irina is threatening to call me and make me hold an entire conversation on the telephone, which is very difficult. I’m hoping it’s an empty threat. :o)

Every day here, I learn something new. Sometimes it’s a grammatical structure or a cultural norm, sometimes it’s something about my kids I didn’t know. More often than not, it’s something about myself that I didn’t know. One thing I am learning again and again is that part of this experience is stripping me of the stuff that I have always considered my identity. I am no longer anyone’s “go-to” girl. I do not work outside my home. I do not even sing in the congregation at church, because I cannot read the words in Russian fast enough. If I were to rely on how I feel, these things would be devastating. But if I choose, instead, to rely on who I know I am in God’s eyes, these things are bearable. I may not always love everything about being here, but I can consciously choose to be grateful for the way God is at work. Let me say this loudly, however: THAT IS REALLY A HARD CHOICE TO MAKE! IT IS NOT FOR THE WEAK-HEARTED! I have to choose that position. Consciously and whole-heartedly, I have to make the choice to be content. Or as I told Hannah the other day—I am just going to act better until I feel better in the hopes that acting better will make me feel better.

Have you had that experience? I don’t think this is something just international missionaries have to contend with, is it? Don’t we all have times in our lives when we have to make the conscious choice to be content even if we don’t feel like it? I know that a good part of my adult life has been spent battling with my own tendency to rely on emotions rather than what I know to be true in God’s word. Sometimes, it was choosing to feel better about myself because God said He thought pretty highly of me. Sometimes, it was choosing to humble myself because God said He thought I might think a little too highly of myself in some area. But always, it came down to what I knew versus what I felt. If that’s something you battle with, know that I empathize with that struggle. And on this side of the world, I’m battling right along with you. But every day, I’m trying hard to make the choice to be content—no matter what comes.

Well, Marc is home, dinner needs to be made, and so I must go. There is a great deal of excitement here—Marc found Blockbuster microwave popcorn at the store. It’s funny—we have started to get really excited about some pretty weird stuff. :o) Blessings to you and yours!

His,
Kellye