What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed; and in this I rejoice. Philippians 1:18
I'm not going to lie. It's been a rough week. I have struggled with feeling down and blue, with worry, which has kept me up at night and gotten me out of bed at 4:30 most mornings this week, with sadness over the loss of our friends Cathy and Tim to another field. It has not been a fun week. On top of struggling with my feelings, I've struggled in my language lessons. I am finally coming to grips with the fact that I cannot be super-language student and super-homeschool mom at the same time. If you know me, you know that to do anything and not do it well drives me nuts, so you can imagine how that has impacted my mood all week. In short, I'm pretty sure those verses in Proverbs about it being better to live in the corner of a roof than in a house with a contentious wife...Marc's probably thinking those were addressed directly to him.
It's one of the reasons I haven't written much lately. I want to be encouraging and uplifting to those who read this, and I want to seem like I have it all together. But I'm choosing transparency instead, knowing that if you really know me and know how I'm doing, it might still be an encouragement to you as you work through whatever "stuff" you have going on where you are. Plus, I'm hoping it'll help you pray for me better. Maybe you should pray for Marc and the kids, since they're the ones suffering the most!
When I did my Bible study this morning (because I'm a rule-follower, and even when I don't feel like it, I have a quiet time and Bible study time...one of the few times the following rules compulsion works out well for me), something caught my eye. I've probably read Philippians a hundred times in my life, so I worried that a study of it wouldn't mean much to me. Oh, how wrong I was! When I came upon this verse--18--I was kind of stunned. Paul was saying that even though some people were preaching the gospel out of jealousy and in order to hurt him while he was imprisoned, he didn't care--as long as the gospel was being preached. I looked again at the chapter--rejoice, rejoice, rejoice--over and over again, Paul chooses to rejoice in all circumstances, because they are impacting people with the gospel. Hmmm...I'm here to impact the spread of the gospel. Hmmm...maybe God has a message for me in these verses? As Hannah Montana would say, You think?
My very wise friend, Cathy, reminded me again that being on the mission field is not only about what you are doing in God's name, but what He is doing in your life. He is stripping me of needing to be great at everything. He is stripping me of wanting to be "successful" in the world's eyes. He is stripping me of the need to appear to have it all together. Sometimes, I wonder what will be left when He is through stripping me of all these things that have been me for so long. But I am confident of this--He is faithful. His plan for me is immensely better than my plan for me. He loves me more than I am even capable of understanding. He holds me in the palm of His hand, and He hears me when I call out to Him. He is my strong tower, my shelter, my refuge in a city without hope. All I have to do is run to Him, and I will be saved. But this week, I've been content to be shrouded by concerns and worries and feelings and emotions that have kept me from Him. And so I've floundered a little. Thankfully, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins. Otherwise, I'd be in big, big trouble.
So, that's where I am over on this side of the pond. Choosing to rejoice, choosing to be content, choosing to allow Him to make a way for me here. But I do wonder one thing...while He's stripping me of all this other stuff, couldn't He strip me of the extra pounds I picked up over Christmas? Wherever you are, I hope you're choosing to be content in the knowledge of the One who loves you more than anything. Blessings to you and yours!
His,
Kellye
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3 comments:
I think we all have a little of that at this time of the year. Especially after Christmas. For us as Moms we build up for months the excitement for Christmas, and then when its over everything goes back to normal which is a little sad. Especially as the days are short and dark early.
Don't think you are alone in this. But spring (and other good things) are coming down the road. The sun will someday come out again (even in Texas it has been cloudy for a few days) and things will get "brighter".
Love you,
Kay
I too am studying Philippians!:) Paul is such an encouragement (from prison)! Yes we are to rejoice again and again. I have been reminded to look to Christ as He is our hope. He is working in me (and you) and that work will not be complete until I see Him. I think so often we want to have arrived. But I am encouraged that whatever I am going through He is working for my good to conform me to the image of Christ. Unfortunately I don't always desire to be like Christ, but desire to be like me. Thank goodness He doesn't leave me alone!!!
Hi Kellye,
I know you don’t have a clue who I am, so let me introduce myself a bit. My name is Jodi and I live in Mississippi. My husband is a minister and we have 3 kids together. I clicked on your blog several months ago from the Roberts in Russia blog link. You see, Marty use to be the pastor at our church, until God decided to use him and his family in Russia. I’ve been reading your updates from time to time and the one you posted on January 26th touched my heart. I just want to say thank you for the encouragement it brought me. I have prayed for your family and I will continue to do so. God is faithful!
In Christ,
Jodi
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