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| Tash loves to snuggle into anything. Here, she is enjoying our Easter decorations. |
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| Watchcats on patrol. I'm sure the neighborhood is much safer for their efforts. And yes, B is that much bigger than Tash. |
Do you ever have something happen that randomly reminds you of something else, and the association sort of startles you? I had that experience in the middle of the night a couple of nights ago. We live on the top floor of our building, and when the wind blows, it BLOWS. I had left our window a tiny bit cracked, and the wind was shaking the blackout shade so hard at 2am, I thought we were having an earthquake at first. Realizing what it was, I got up to completely close the window, and the words 'wakened by the wind' flashed through my brain. I probably smiled, because Wakened by the Wind was an album by Susan Ashton that Marc and I loved when we were first married. It came out, I think, in 1991, and we got the chance to see her in concert that summer. She was kind of ordinary--no big light show or anything like that, just her and her guitar. We loved every song on that album. It was kind of a raw album--she'd written the songs, and they were very open and vulnerable. We listened to it again and again and again, memorizing every word of every song. It was important to us, which is why, 22 years later, it popped into my mind at 2am in Vienna, Austria, of all places.
It's been an interesting week. Marc is gone, sailing from Croatia to Venice and back. We've had little contact from him, because he's on a boat, and there isn't a ton of internet access. But what we've heard sounds like he's having a great time. He loved Venice, and is anxious for us to go back--it's only 4 hours from here. I've had AP exams to give at the kids' school, so I've been busy, but not. A lot of giving AP exams is being organized beforehand, and then being quiet while they take the exams. I have one this afternoon, but I don't have to be there until 11 or so to give it. So I've had a lot of quiet to think in and through. Sometimes that's a good thing, and sometimes it's a bad thing. :) I think this time, it was a good thing. Plus, let's face it--with Marc home, there isn't a ton of quiet. I love and adore him, but he's a verbal processor, which means everything has to be talked through. Aloud. Usually with me. So while I don't like Marc being gone, since it's so much a part of our life here, I've come to at least appreciate that it gives my introverted soul a bit of time to not talk. :)
So what have I been thinking about? Hmmmm...lots of stuff. Everything from how we can eat better and get more exercise to the meaning of our lives here has crossed my mind and been pondered. I've been thinking about our marriage, about the relationships our kids are making here and overseas, what it will be like when we are empty-nesters...name something. I've thought about it. I've been reading a book with an interesting section on planning your married life backwards--what it will look like on the last day of your life, what your goals are, etc. I've been thinking about that. Just thinking, thinking, thinking. And reading, reading, reading. I've already read three novels and a couple of non-fiction books this week, mostly while kids are testing. (I don't want you to think I'm neglecting my kids with my nose stuck in a book!)
There is a lot of contentment to be found in being where God wants you. I am very content right now. I know, clearly, that we are where we are supposed to be. I'm not always super happy here, and there are things I would definitely change if I could, but I'm content. But I have sensed for several months--probably since around December--a restlessness deep inside myself that I can't get rid of. I don't want to be restless. I want to be settled. I haven't been settled in a long time, and my soul yearns for it. But I'm restless. This week gave me the chance to think about why I'm restless. Is it that God is preparing us for some kind of change? I have no clue, but I don't really think so. We love Vienna and have no desire to leave. Plus, it's a great location if your husband travels as much as Marc does, because it is centrally located in Europe. There have been lots of changes on our team, and transition has taken longer than I would have hoped, but that doesn't seem to be the cause, either. I really don't know what it is. But I feel like something is happening, not on the outside, where you can see it, but deep inside me. Something is really changing. I feel like God is sloughing off some old stuff that needs to go, but the new stuff is still too raw to be useful. (If you're a guy, and you haven't used a loofah, that isn't going to make a lot of sense to you. Sorry.) But there is definitely change happening. And I think I'm ready for it.
So what does that have to do with the wind rattling my window and waking me up? The lyrics from one of the songs came to me at 2am, standing at my window to shut it, looking through the only partially-pulled shade at the city:
I can face a lot of people with this sanguine act of mine
Guarded by the eloquence I sometimes hide behind
But it's a veil of false pretenses that You can see right thru
'Cause no one knows my heart better than you.
No matter what this restlessness is, no matter what is going on with me that is causing it...no one knows my heart like the Creator of my heart. Sometimes, I like to make you think that everything is beautiful and wonderful and grand here, that my life is just rolling along swimmingly. I do like to hide behind eloquence. But my covenant with you when I started writing this blog five years ago was that I would be transparent...with you and with myself. And in that transparency, I would live out this life of faith, hopefully as an encouragement to those of you on this same journey. In the end, whatever this restlessness leads to, my prayer is to glorify Him in it. Through this blog, through my relationships here and in the States, through my faithfulness to His call on my life, through my marriage, through my kids, through my parents and sisters...through the good, the bad and the restless. In all things, I am determined to do two things. I will rejoice. Sometimes that's easy. Sometimes, it's not so easy. But I will rejoice. And I will glorify Him. For His goodness and mercy, for His lovingkindness, and for His constant faithfulness, I will glorify Him. Oh, my friends...He's up to something, and I don't know what it is. But I know Him. His constant, unbridled passion for my soul...I know that. And I know that He is trustworthy beyond measure. So I will not hide behind eloquence. But I will tell you again and again and again...He is faithful. I'll sing it with my dying breath, wherever in the world I might draw it.
Well, time to exercise and get ready to head to school to pack our box and give the last exam. It's been fun being with kids, but I'm ready to have my life back. Plus, my apartment is not neat and tidy when I'm gone all day. I definitely need to spend some time tidying up before Marc sails home tomorrow. Wherever you are in the world, I pray that whatever God is doing in your heart and in your life, you are not hiding from it, and that you are looking forward to your daughter's first formal tomorrow night, too. Blessings to you and yours!!
His,
Kellye
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