Untitled update...

I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. John 15:5

You guessed it—I reached “apart” in my word study through the Bible this morning. For a self-confessed perfectionist, this verse is a hard one. I can do nothing? C’mon…surely I can do something on my own. I am, after all, a pretty smart, capable girl. However, if the last three weeks has proven anything to me, it’s that when Jesus said I couldn’t do anything apart from Him, He wasn’t kidding. Perfectionist or not, I have been unsuccessful at anything I’ve tried to do in my own strength here. For example:

I cannot homeschool without Him. Trust me. I’ve tried. All I get is irritated children and a bad, bad attitude. I have wavered between exasperated and embittered about homeschooling, and I have finally just prayed that God would make us happy about the situation or He would find us another situation. While I wouldn’t say there was a miraculous healing, I would say that it’s been a much better situation in the last few days, not only because we all have developed a little better attitude (except Sarah Beth, who loves homeschooling and didn’t need a better attitude), but also because there are some things I just had to give up until language school is over. (By the way—they told me that at ILC, but because I think I’m super-teacher, I decided that was for ordinary people. Ordinary people couldn’t do language school and homeschool three children in every possible subject, but certainly I could. WRONG! Trust me—homeschooling has been a humbling experience. I have a whole new appreciation and respect for some of my friends who have done it for years.)

I cannot do language school without Him. I can learn conjugations and grammatical forms with the best of them, but unless I acknowledge that as God-given skill, it falls flat. I have prayed each morning this week for ears to hear, a mind to understand, and a tongue that can put four consonants together with no vowel in sight. And you know what? I’m really enjoying my language study. In fact, during the beginning of this week, which was a very dark, dark time for me, language study was the only joy I could find. I love my teacher, Irina, and we are developing a very good relationship. I look forward to seeing her. (I don’t look forward to her narrowing her eyes at me when I don’t roll my r’s, but that’s a whole other story.)

I cannot be a successful, content, serene (that’s for Laurie Bishop) wife and mother without Him. There is so much to do here. There is so much just to keep the house clean and everyone fed without convenience foods that we are used to having. Combine that with homeschooling three children and doing language school…by Tuesday of this week, I was pretty much done. I cannot do all of that, do it perfectly, and survive. Wednesday morning, I literally cried out to God. I cannot do this. I cannot do this. And you know what He replied? “Of course you cannot do this. But I promised I would be with you wherever you go, and I am the ultimate promise keeper. You cannot do this, but I can do anything.” I would love to tell you that there was a lightning bolt from the heavens and my housework was magically done, my children behaved perfectly, and I managed to vacuum everything in my high heels. None of that happened. But little by little, I began to feel that peace that transcends understanding. Thursday night I turned to Marc and said, “You know what? For the first time in the three weeks we’ve been here, I can honestly say to you that this was a good day. Not a perfect day, but still a pretty good day.” And by last night, I just felt like somehow we had turned some kind of corner. Marc had downloaded a new show for them (thank you, Aunt Kay, for the iTunes gift cards…they are marvelous, marvelous things), and after a really nice dinner together, we all sat down and watched the show and laughed and laughed. Laughter! It may not seem like a big, important thing to you, but we hadn’t laughed a lot since we’ve been here. We enjoyed one another’s company for the first time since we’ve been here. It may not be a lightning bolt from the sky, but for the first time since we’ve been here, I feel like we might just make it. That’s miracle enough for me.

I cannot get John-John to bed without Him. You’re laughing, but until Wednesday night, we had only had one night in the three weeks we’ve been here when John went to bed without a fight. If it only took us two hours, we thought we’d had a big victory. It was generally taking four to five hours a night for him to fall asleep. Finally, after praying in desperation for God’s help, we asked John-John what he didn’t like about his bed. Know what it was? He’s never slept in a bunkbed where the other bed is on top of him (ours at home were in an L shape, so his head was out in the open), and he thought Hannah was going to fall on him and smother him to death. That would keep me up at night, too. So we pulled his mattress on the floor, and within five minutes, he was asleep. We left it there, and he has gone to sleep with no problems for the last three nights. He slept Thursday night for eleven hours, and he’s been asleep for nine hours so far, and he shows no signs of waking up. He was exhausted, we were exhausted, and that makes for an easy target for the enemy. We were like fish swimming in a barrel to Satan. Figuring out how to get John to sleep has made all the difference in the world.

I can’t do anything apart from Him. But with Him…nothing looks totally impossible to me. I can make my own tortillas. I can learn to conjugate everything but adverbs in Russian (only adverbs don’t change—I love them so much). I can have fun with my family. I can make a complete fool of myself while I try out my language skills on poor, unsuspecting Russians. I can live with the deep longing for my parents and sisters…and be thankful that God has given me such a close, loving family instead of being resentful that I am homesick for them. Paul says, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” and I am beginning to feel that my reply to Paul is, “Amen. Amen.”

I love you and pray for you often. Blessings to you and yours!

His,
Kellye